I keep crying and crying and crying . Think about my life . Honestly , i dont have mood to study . How can I focus on study ? how can this is possible . Why he cant understand me . I never ask anything from him . All I want is Waqas, why he cant understand how i feel right now . Im feel very very very pain . Why I need to follow everything he said ? because he is my father ? but why he never follow me . why ? Why i dont have guts to tell him . Im scared if something happen to him. I still care about him . but why he never care about me . why my own father do this to me ? why he cant feel what i feel . All i need is Waqas . Why he hates him so much ? why ? This is my choice . I deserve to choose my life . but why I cant ......

Today is exactly a week i haven't been together with him . I do really miss him . He is my everything . I don't know how many times i need to say the same words all over again . Im working very hard well not that hard la but still to save money and visit him later soon . Probably 2 months later , i just approximate maybe i will come to Pakistan on 25th April . But but but im not that sure I didn't tell my mom yet about this . If i tell my dad , he absolutely against me . So its better I didn't tell him at all . I don't even want him to know where am I also . I will keep my money until rm5k and spend my money about rm2.3k for the 2 ways flight . So I have almost rm3k . And i think i want to stay there maybe around 2 weeks . I ask myself . is it rm2k++ is enough for me in Pakistan ? And now I need to work hard to speak in urdu . Haha . I know the meaning but i don't know how to make the sentence. But i can understand what they say as long they speak not that fast . Waqas said he will go to Saudi Arab later maybe 6 months later . Because he wants to work there . And a lot of their relatives are staying there too in Jeddah . But for me i think it is difficult . Their culture are absolutely different from us . They need to wear abaya , cant drive , cant work . All you need is to stay at home . How can I do that ? But can I open business over there? I mean a boutique ? For my information , they only wear abaya when they go out from the housebecause they don't want to expose their body to public . In front of their relatives they can wear anything what they want . So the problem is if i want to go to Jeddah . I cant go alone . I need to bring my male mahram together with me . its mean that I need to married with Waqas first then I can go . But the thing is HOW CAN IT IS POSSIBLE . I don't even know their language and most of them like to speak in Arab rather than english . My urdu also not even right then Isuddenly need to learn arab plak ? I can read arab alphabet but to know the meaning well, i just know a little je . haha So another problem is i don't want to hurt my dad's feeling . but if he cant even understand me how can i make him to understand me . Its already been 18 years old , I know he always work hard for us but if he cant spend his time to his kids how can he can understand them .

Did you ever feel like you cant let him go because he is so special to you . Did u ever feel like you keep thinking about him because there is nothing u can think beside him . Did u ever feel like your heart keep saying his name all the time . Did you ever feel like you just want to run away because only you can think is to be with him . Did you ever feel like you want to make all people you love to be happy but the fact is you need to choose either one . Did you ever feel like whether you have make a good decision or no . Did you ever feel like you cant break the bonds that you create long time ago . Did you ever feel like you just cant decide what you going to do in your life . Did you ever feel like you have the most problem than anyone else . Did you ever feel like you need to share you problem to anyone but u don't know who they are . Did you ever feel like you just want to run from your problem but as soon you need to face it anyway . Did you ever feel like you want someone that always take care about you but he is very far away from you . Did you ever feel like if u had 1 million dollar , all you can think about is you want to to go other place than no one knows about your life . Did you ever feel like waiting for something is actually very pain feeling ever ? Did you ever feel like why other people life is more better than you ? Did you ever feel like why love need a scarification . Did you ever feel like you want to married someone so that they cant be others . Did you ever feel like ALL YOU WANT IS HIIM . THAT'S ALL . BECAUSE NO OTHER PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND ME LIKE HE DID .

Finally after 5 days , I can see his face by skype-ing . but not that so clear . but when i see his face . my heart said i do really want him right now . i do need him cause he understands me . he supports me . he cares about me . but why he needs to be far away from me ? why he needs to support me by long distance . Since he go away from me , I like to spend my time in my room . i don't like to hang out anymore . Plus , all my friends also now busy with their college . So i don't want to disturb them . Already 3 days I didn't cry because i promise to Waqas that i will not cry . I try to be strong . but today when I skype-ing with him i cant control myself . and im crying . Thank God that time i was in my way . if not i will crying like crazy . I don't know how can he knows that im crying because when im skipping with him he cant see my tears . after only 15 mins im skype-ing with him then he ask me to call him back then about an hour later he asked me to call him . when I called he said howmuch he miss me now until he cry and his grandmother ask him why ? he telling truth . and his grandmother also crying . she just cant believe that how mug we love each other but at the same time we cant be together all the time . When i heard i feel so bad . WHY ? why all the problem is causes by me ? im also wanted to cry but later when i come home then i will cry like crazy . Waqas is my the only my true love . How bad is he . How ugly is he . How stupid is he . How crazy is he . He is my life . I cant find a better guy except him . and now my family problem . i don't know who am i going to stay with . either my mum or my dad . this is really hard decision because i love both of them buy unfortunately they need to separate because not understanding each other . but why this could be happen ? Why ? Why my dad really hate Waqas ? What he did to me ? he just in love with me . is that wrong ? Why my dad cannot understand my life . Why ? Why I need to follow everything what he say to me ? Why I cannot say no to him . because i love him . but why he didn't love me . if he loves me why he cannot makes me happy . Why im always make him happy ? i don't want to be rude . i don't want to be derhaka . but why can i do ? im just pray to Allah . Always . because I know only Allah can help me .no other else . Only Allah knows what will happen because it is the Creater of me . All i want is my dad happy when im with Waqas . Allah let us meet together and make a bond between us . And i hope our bonds will last forever . Amin .

Today is the 4th day . Only for 4 days i dont know how to describe how much i miss him :'( All I want is to be with him . Why no body cant understand me . He is my true love . Only Allah knows how much I love him . But I still thankful to Allah because everyday we are talking .messaging , chatting each other . I never forget about him . Everytime I woke up , i think about him . When I want to sleep I think about him . And I keep eating his favourite food . Kima :) hahaha But when I called him . He since like superbusy there cause everyone wants to meet him but the best thing is he has time to spend with me . He never didnt pick up my phone unless his phone battery die . haha I can feel everyone loves him . I can feel everyone likes him . Even the girls over there . haha but he never say about it :p haha its okay la as long he is true to me . Then im okay :D

Today me and my two brothers got lectures from my father . as usual , about my family problems. So that time I just woke up . So suddenly Amy said my father wants to talk something and i knew it it must to lectures about all of us . so he asked me whether today im going to work or not . so i said yeah . then he said last month how many days u working ? then i said 4 . he said why so little ? then i said i dont know . that time, when i talking with him . i didnt see his face and also my voice just like different. then suddenly , he angry and said im rude . and blablablablablaaaa . and he still keep saying the same thing about his divorce . and said who we going to stay . him or my mum . But know seriously i dont know . If I stay with my mum , who is going to pay my fees college ? and also i hate that fucking guy okay ? he is a smoker and also doing drugs . and i dont know how can my mum loves him . If i stay with my dad , for sure he will conquer my life . I cannot do this I need to do this . I need to follow all his instruction . I cannot hang out with my friends . need to study all the time . You know him . and also if i stay with him . how can possible Im going to pakistan and meet Waqas . If i said to him , of course he wont let me go there . but i love him . i love my father . i love my waqas . i love my mum . if I stay with my dad . at least i can working at my way easily and get some money . and i will keep that money and go visit waqas but will he allowed me to go ? but if i stay with my mum , of course my mum will let me go meet waqas because my mum know about us . but the problem i dont have work to find me easily like my father always give to me . So , now i think money is important . I mean my dad have a lot . he work really hard for it . and my mum ? i know inside her bank only left rm10k . So how can she pay me everything ? and give me some allowance ? and how can i need money to visit waqas ? ARGGGGGHHHHHH . why life is so hard ? If I go to visit him , at least i have rm3k in my hand . how can it is possible to me ? I really do want to meet Waqas so badly cause i miss him and love him . more than anyone else. because only him can understand how i feel now . but what can i do now ? my mum or my dad ? its easy to meet waqas if i stay with my mum but problem is money . its hard to meet waqas if i stay with my dad but easily to get money . So ? What should i do now ?

finally i chatting with him ! Ahhhhhh , i feel better now . Whenever i talk or message or chat with him . I feel this is the best thing i have ever had :) He always make me smile all the time . make me angry sometimes . make me cry when he's not around but I still love him forever . I dont how much i love him . Because its more thsn u think . now im watching all our videos and also pictures . Ahhhhh it just make me cry . imissyou

Im waiting for him to call me but unfortunately , Im the on who called him around 3pm i think . at first i called his mum's num because i dont know which number he using now . but suddenly one guy pick up the phone . then , i tried call the 2nd number for 3 times but he didnt pick up . and i said to myself . oh maybe he busy and also happy .. Its okay . i dont mind . if he happy then im also happy . He said he just came out from the court because got something to do with his chota brother . I think he probably hang out with his friends all the time and of course he did . 2 years didnt chilling with his friends there . But when he said to his friends he calling a friend . oh now i am your friend la ? Okay la .. If u say like this that what can i do right ? haha I am everyday thinking about him even today dreaming about him ! haha . you see ? how much i miss you Waqas :) And Alhamdulillah now im already started pray for 5 times and I didnt go out like i used to go with waqas here and there. after college i just stay at my room . sometimes online sometimes sleeping . I feel like i dont have any good life when he go . I didnt talk with anyone today because i dont feel like i want to talk . there is nothing to talk about with people who doesnt care about my life .

So finally Waqas called me around 12.30 ! argh im so glad he called me but we talked only just few minutes . I knoooooooow . everyone very happy to see him and also want to spend time with him . But today he called me 3 times . even though only for 2 minutes because he doesnt have credits . but really it make me feel better :') I miss him already .. A LOT . even though he called me at 3am . i still pick up the phone . When 10am im still looking at my mobile . maybe he called me or not because usually he always call me . but until now almost 4pm he still didnt call me . maybe he was busy and also having fun with his friends and probably he just forget me . haha . Well, its okay . i still waiting for him . But i did message to one of his phone . he said he already bought new sim card . but i cant remember which one . Until now im waiting for him . Im always thinking about him for non stop . what he do know . Is he still sleeping . Did he eat already ? all things just on my mind . I feel like did he feel a same thing like me? Eventhough our distance is 2646 miles away but I hope he still love me :) I love you .

Startin from today InsyaAllah I will post whatever i do in my daily life so that my bie can read what I do and I hope he will know everything i do and not feel far away from me :) So today I send him to airport cause something happen last 4 days ago .. so we decided to send him to go back his country . i know its hard for me and also him but Im sure his mum will take care of him very well . and also i know his mum very miss him a lot . So thats why i let him go . So before going to airport we went to pasar seni buy a lot of things ! with arslan and also rizwan . Then about 12 o clock . we straight away go to airport . and i think i took a wrong road cause I feel like why there is no sign board that tell KLIA . Then , I have a fight with waqas . haaaaaaaaaaaa . miss him damn much right now . then, when we arrived at airport , we only spend time 2 hours cause arslan and rizwan want to go back . what the fuck ? i want to spend my last time with my bie . then I cant control myself and also him :'( Both of us crying like a movie . haha Its very hard to let him go . Now im waiting for his call ! why he didnt call me yet . now almost 11.37pm im still waiting for him . i dont know why my heart feel so diffrent feel pain feel something weird after he go back his country . I think im already miss him . But i promise him one thing . InsyaAllah i will do prayers 5 times . now im trying . he said also wearing jubah . I said huh ? how can ? wait la slowly slowly . no fast fast . haha But if i married with him and that time we at saudia arab then i will wear okay sayang .? how can i sleep right now if he didnt call me .. Please baby , I want to hear ur voice . I miss you .