The worst feeling ever when u need to choose which way u need to go in ur life . My life is completely different from anyone in this world . My life is either to choose my parents or him . Well, i know some of u might say its so easy to choose . absolutely your parents because they give u food , a shelter , an education . and yes of course i agreed about that but u dont know what kind of family do i have now . Sometimes im jealous with my other friend's family . They have a such a beautiful family if you want to compare with my family life . Some of u might know that both of my parents are mostly fighting everyday . And Im so tired of it . They fighting like crazy people. Both of them cant lose . Both of them want to win . And the real is both of them are wrong . And the victim is the children . Seriously , i dont blame my parents at all . And i dont blame anything . Im just wonder Why my life should be like this ? I just feel like im an orphan . neither of them like do really care about me . Everyone in the house just do their own life . They not bother much . Maybe they are but they didnt show it . Love needs to show .. Im also didnt talk much with my father . In fact we didnt talk . my mum also i didnt talk that much . Seriously im alone . And that's why I need some one that i can really talk to , someone that i can really hang out to , some one that care so much about , some one who pay attention to me . I mean who doesnt want to be like this . That's why I prefer to chooose him rather my parents . You know what ? me and him went through so much of things , so much of barriers . About my dad didnt like him because he's a foriegner , because he's not malay ? because i dont know what the hell the reason is . but he is really nice guy . he changed . change to be a better person . And yes I can see that . We love each other . And there is one day he brave himself to meet my father . And talking about to get serious relationship with me . And my dad say no . and no and no . But what we can do ? You ask us to break up . Forget the past ? forget about our feeling .? The more u seperate us apart the more closer we are . and we never think to break up at all . and yes we do fight . almost everyday but we never cross to our mind that we can seperate and make a new life . Nope . And there was one day I walked with him and suddenly my dad see us and stop the car and that was like the biggest fighting ever . not really fighting but my dad really angry to him and me . and I decided to send him go back to his country for his safety . I sacrifice for him. because I never love anyone like I love him right now . I just couldnt forget about him . he is such a nice guy . He is understand me . And i never regret to choose him to be part of my life . And i dont know how could i describe to u how much we love each other . u just cant imagine . Seriously , everyday I love him more and everyday im more closer to Allah . Alhamdulillah .because i believe that Allah meet us together and test us how long we can be together . I want until Jannah . I never never like a guy like i like him . everyone knows about it . But i want this thing to solve . I just couldnt handle this . but i know somehow i need to face it . I love both of my parents and him . Seriously , rightnow i couldnt choose between one of it . but i dont have a choice in need to sacrifice one of them . If i choose my parents and leave him , damn my life would be so difficult . trust me . because i cant imagine one day without him . our bonds are too strong to break it . but if i choose him , im going to lose my parents and what if one day they cant accept me anymore ? I dont want t be rude to my parents . i respect them . but they just cant understand me especially my dad . Yes he gave me everything . but he disnt give me love . Love from a father to a daughter . yes of course he giving me a freedom to hang out with my friends . but i think he is so racist . he wants me to hang out with malay ! I mean whats wrong with others ? Im big enough . I know what I do . If he supports me maybe he also can give me some advice . But now i dont know , which one i need to choose , i dont to lose my familt neither him . I know u will say that i need to discuss with my parents but then I know my dad better . Seriously , I dont know . I dont know . I hope Allah will guide me . Im always hope Allah will show me . I hope everything is fine . but im scared . Cause later im going to take a big step in my life . You know only him knows everything about me . about everything because i tell him everything . none of my friends like knows the whole story about my life . but he does . i only tell him because he is my everything . I never feel like this before . Maybe one day you will find a guy that u just never let him go away from your life .

Why ? why nobody cant feel how i feel right now ! why am i freaking stress ! why ! why life is getting harder now ! why ? why no body cant even understand me right now !! what kind of life do i have ! i bet ur life is more 100x times better than me. why i need to cry everyday ! why i need to be angry everyday why ! i cant do anything ! why i dont have so much of money so that i can run away easily . WHY ! why when im wake up from sleep i hope my life would be better but why not even 1 second i feel so peace ! when only i read Al-quran then i feel so calm . when i pray i can feel that Allah always hear me . but im just human . very weak human. im not strong enough to handle all this situation by myself . why ? why all my friends have a nice family , have nice parents who always support them , who always spend time with them . but why i feel my family is so fake even this is my real family. but why ? sometimes im really jealous with all my friends because they have nice family . I wish i was them . but why in my family every person do their own thing. i feel so alone now

I keep crying and crying and crying . Think about my life . Honestly , i dont have mood to study . How can I focus on study ? how can this is possible . Why he cant understand me . I never ask anything from him . All I want is Waqas, why he cant understand how i feel right now . Im feel very very very pain . Why I need to follow everything he said ? because he is my father ? but why he never follow me . why ? Why i dont have guts to tell him . Im scared if something happen to him. I still care about him . but why he never care about me . why my own father do this to me ? why he cant feel what i feel . All i need is Waqas . Why he hates him so much ? why ? This is my choice . I deserve to choose my life . but why I cant ......

Today is exactly a week i haven't been together with him . I do really miss him . He is my everything . I don't know how many times i need to say the same words all over again . Im working very hard well not that hard la but still to save money and visit him later soon . Probably 2 months later , i just approximate maybe i will come to Pakistan on 25th April . But but but im not that sure I didn't tell my mom yet about this . If i tell my dad , he absolutely against me . So its better I didn't tell him at all . I don't even want him to know where am I also . I will keep my money until rm5k and spend my money about rm2.3k for the 2 ways flight . So I have almost rm3k . And i think i want to stay there maybe around 2 weeks . I ask myself . is it rm2k++ is enough for me in Pakistan ? And now I need to work hard to speak in urdu . Haha . I know the meaning but i don't know how to make the sentence. But i can understand what they say as long they speak not that fast . Waqas said he will go to Saudi Arab later maybe 6 months later . Because he wants to work there . And a lot of their relatives are staying there too in Jeddah . But for me i think it is difficult . Their culture are absolutely different from us . They need to wear abaya , cant drive , cant work . All you need is to stay at home . How can I do that ? But can I open business over there? I mean a boutique ? For my information , they only wear abaya when they go out from the housebecause they don't want to expose their body to public . In front of their relatives they can wear anything what they want . So the problem is if i want to go to Jeddah . I cant go alone . I need to bring my male mahram together with me . its mean that I need to married with Waqas first then I can go . But the thing is HOW CAN IT IS POSSIBLE . I don't even know their language and most of them like to speak in Arab rather than english . My urdu also not even right then Isuddenly need to learn arab plak ? I can read arab alphabet but to know the meaning well, i just know a little je . haha So another problem is i don't want to hurt my dad's feeling . but if he cant even understand me how can i make him to understand me . Its already been 18 years old , I know he always work hard for us but if he cant spend his time to his kids how can he can understand them .

Did you ever feel like you cant let him go because he is so special to you . Did u ever feel like you keep thinking about him because there is nothing u can think beside him . Did u ever feel like your heart keep saying his name all the time . Did you ever feel like you just want to run away because only you can think is to be with him . Did you ever feel like you want to make all people you love to be happy but the fact is you need to choose either one . Did you ever feel like whether you have make a good decision or no . Did you ever feel like you cant break the bonds that you create long time ago . Did you ever feel like you just cant decide what you going to do in your life . Did you ever feel like you have the most problem than anyone else . Did you ever feel like you need to share you problem to anyone but u don't know who they are . Did you ever feel like you just want to run from your problem but as soon you need to face it anyway . Did you ever feel like you want someone that always take care about you but he is very far away from you . Did you ever feel like if u had 1 million dollar , all you can think about is you want to to go other place than no one knows about your life . Did you ever feel like waiting for something is actually very pain feeling ever ? Did you ever feel like why other people life is more better than you ? Did you ever feel like why love need a scarification . Did you ever feel like you want to married someone so that they cant be others . Did you ever feel like ALL YOU WANT IS HIIM . THAT'S ALL . BECAUSE NO OTHER PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND ME LIKE HE DID .

Finally after 5 days , I can see his face by skype-ing . but not that so clear . but when i see his face . my heart said i do really want him right now . i do need him cause he understands me . he supports me . he cares about me . but why he needs to be far away from me ? why he needs to support me by long distance . Since he go away from me , I like to spend my time in my room . i don't like to hang out anymore . Plus , all my friends also now busy with their college . So i don't want to disturb them . Already 3 days I didn't cry because i promise to Waqas that i will not cry . I try to be strong . but today when I skype-ing with him i cant control myself . and im crying . Thank God that time i was in my way . if not i will crying like crazy . I don't know how can he knows that im crying because when im skipping with him he cant see my tears . after only 15 mins im skype-ing with him then he ask me to call him back then about an hour later he asked me to call him . when I called he said howmuch he miss me now until he cry and his grandmother ask him why ? he telling truth . and his grandmother also crying . she just cant believe that how mug we love each other but at the same time we cant be together all the time . When i heard i feel so bad . WHY ? why all the problem is causes by me ? im also wanted to cry but later when i come home then i will cry like crazy . Waqas is my the only my true love . How bad is he . How ugly is he . How stupid is he . How crazy is he . He is my life . I cant find a better guy except him . and now my family problem . i don't know who am i going to stay with . either my mum or my dad . this is really hard decision because i love both of them buy unfortunately they need to separate because not understanding each other . but why this could be happen ? Why ? Why my dad really hate Waqas ? What he did to me ? he just in love with me . is that wrong ? Why my dad cannot understand my life . Why ? Why I need to follow everything what he say to me ? Why I cannot say no to him . because i love him . but why he didn't love me . if he loves me why he cannot makes me happy . Why im always make him happy ? i don't want to be rude . i don't want to be derhaka . but why can i do ? im just pray to Allah . Always . because I know only Allah can help me .no other else . Only Allah knows what will happen because it is the Creater of me . All i want is my dad happy when im with Waqas . Allah let us meet together and make a bond between us . And i hope our bonds will last forever . Amin .

Today is the 4th day . Only for 4 days i dont know how to describe how much i miss him :'( All I want is to be with him . Why no body cant understand me . He is my true love . Only Allah knows how much I love him . But I still thankful to Allah because everyday we are talking .messaging , chatting each other . I never forget about him . Everytime I woke up , i think about him . When I want to sleep I think about him . And I keep eating his favourite food . Kima :) hahaha But when I called him . He since like superbusy there cause everyone wants to meet him but the best thing is he has time to spend with me . He never didnt pick up my phone unless his phone battery die . haha I can feel everyone loves him . I can feel everyone likes him . Even the girls over there . haha but he never say about it :p haha its okay la as long he is true to me . Then im okay :D

Today me and my two brothers got lectures from my father . as usual , about my family problems. So that time I just woke up . So suddenly Amy said my father wants to talk something and i knew it it must to lectures about all of us . so he asked me whether today im going to work or not . so i said yeah . then he said last month how many days u working ? then i said 4 . he said why so little ? then i said i dont know . that time, when i talking with him . i didnt see his face and also my voice just like different. then suddenly , he angry and said im rude . and blablablablablaaaa . and he still keep saying the same thing about his divorce . and said who we going to stay . him or my mum . But know seriously i dont know . If I stay with my mum , who is going to pay my fees college ? and also i hate that fucking guy okay ? he is a smoker and also doing drugs . and i dont know how can my mum loves him . If i stay with my dad , for sure he will conquer my life . I cannot do this I need to do this . I need to follow all his instruction . I cannot hang out with my friends . need to study all the time . You know him . and also if i stay with him . how can possible Im going to pakistan and meet Waqas . If i said to him , of course he wont let me go there . but i love him . i love my father . i love my waqas . i love my mum . if I stay with my dad . at least i can working at my way easily and get some money . and i will keep that money and go visit waqas but will he allowed me to go ? but if i stay with my mum , of course my mum will let me go meet waqas because my mum know about us . but the problem i dont have work to find me easily like my father always give to me . So , now i think money is important . I mean my dad have a lot . he work really hard for it . and my mum ? i know inside her bank only left rm10k . So how can she pay me everything ? and give me some allowance ? and how can i need money to visit waqas ? ARGGGGGHHHHHH . why life is so hard ? If I go to visit him , at least i have rm3k in my hand . how can it is possible to me ? I really do want to meet Waqas so badly cause i miss him and love him . more than anyone else. because only him can understand how i feel now . but what can i do now ? my mum or my dad ? its easy to meet waqas if i stay with my mum but problem is money . its hard to meet waqas if i stay with my dad but easily to get money . So ? What should i do now ?

finally i chatting with him ! Ahhhhhh , i feel better now . Whenever i talk or message or chat with him . I feel this is the best thing i have ever had :) He always make me smile all the time . make me angry sometimes . make me cry when he's not around but I still love him forever . I dont how much i love him . Because its more thsn u think . now im watching all our videos and also pictures . Ahhhhh it just make me cry . imissyou

Im waiting for him to call me but unfortunately , Im the on who called him around 3pm i think . at first i called his mum's num because i dont know which number he using now . but suddenly one guy pick up the phone . then , i tried call the 2nd number for 3 times but he didnt pick up . and i said to myself . oh maybe he busy and also happy .. Its okay . i dont mind . if he happy then im also happy . He said he just came out from the court because got something to do with his chota brother . I think he probably hang out with his friends all the time and of course he did . 2 years didnt chilling with his friends there . But when he said to his friends he calling a friend . oh now i am your friend la ? Okay la .. If u say like this that what can i do right ? haha I am everyday thinking about him even today dreaming about him ! haha . you see ? how much i miss you Waqas :) And Alhamdulillah now im already started pray for 5 times and I didnt go out like i used to go with waqas here and there. after college i just stay at my room . sometimes online sometimes sleeping . I feel like i dont have any good life when he go . I didnt talk with anyone today because i dont feel like i want to talk . there is nothing to talk about with people who doesnt care about my life .

So finally Waqas called me around 12.30 ! argh im so glad he called me but we talked only just few minutes . I knoooooooow . everyone very happy to see him and also want to spend time with him . But today he called me 3 times . even though only for 2 minutes because he doesnt have credits . but really it make me feel better :') I miss him already .. A LOT . even though he called me at 3am . i still pick up the phone . When 10am im still looking at my mobile . maybe he called me or not because usually he always call me . but until now almost 4pm he still didnt call me . maybe he was busy and also having fun with his friends and probably he just forget me . haha . Well, its okay . i still waiting for him . But i did message to one of his phone . he said he already bought new sim card . but i cant remember which one . Until now im waiting for him . Im always thinking about him for non stop . what he do know . Is he still sleeping . Did he eat already ? all things just on my mind . I feel like did he feel a same thing like me? Eventhough our distance is 2646 miles away but I hope he still love me :) I love you .

Startin from today InsyaAllah I will post whatever i do in my daily life so that my bie can read what I do and I hope he will know everything i do and not feel far away from me :) So today I send him to airport cause something happen last 4 days ago .. so we decided to send him to go back his country . i know its hard for me and also him but Im sure his mum will take care of him very well . and also i know his mum very miss him a lot . So thats why i let him go . So before going to airport we went to pasar seni buy a lot of things ! with arslan and also rizwan . Then about 12 o clock . we straight away go to airport . and i think i took a wrong road cause I feel like why there is no sign board that tell KLIA . Then , I have a fight with waqas . haaaaaaaaaaaa . miss him damn much right now . then, when we arrived at airport , we only spend time 2 hours cause arslan and rizwan want to go back . what the fuck ? i want to spend my last time with my bie . then I cant control myself and also him :'( Both of us crying like a movie . haha Its very hard to let him go . Now im waiting for his call ! why he didnt call me yet . now almost 11.37pm im still waiting for him . i dont know why my heart feel so diffrent feel pain feel something weird after he go back his country . I think im already miss him . But i promise him one thing . InsyaAllah i will do prayers 5 times . now im trying . he said also wearing jubah . I said huh ? how can ? wait la slowly slowly . no fast fast . haha But if i married with him and that time we at saudia arab then i will wear okay sayang .? how can i sleep right now if he didnt call me .. Please baby , I want to hear ur voice . I miss you .

Everything just finished . My dad doesnt allowed me to be friend or relationship with Waqas anymore . Thank you so much . Now what can I do ? How can I live without Waqas ? This is so hard for me . Seriously, I dont want to go away from my family and friends . but what can I do ? If lose him , can I concentrate on my studies ? of course not . So, better I stop study and go away from here . I knw its not easy to run but InsyaAllah , I hope Allah will help me . Here in Sunway , no body understand me neither my parents. They also not talking each other . My life just like an orphan . I think an orphan people also have a better life than me . It's okay la . This is my life . I hope when im not here anymore . No body find me . Just do yourself own work . You didnt care about ur daughter right ? u didnt want to know you daughter feelings right ? its okay . i dont blame you . Thank you for everything . Its been 18 years . Thank you for giving me food and also a nice place for me to live. I dont want anything from anyone anymore . I want to be independent . I know my parents cannot believe me . I know . Its okay . I will prove them one day .

I dont update my blog now because i dont want to share my private story with people . This is really important to me . I mean he is important to me but why ? why my dad doesnt like him . i just want to know the reason . the reason is just because he is foreigner from pakistan . Hmmmph my dad want me to be friend with MALAY !! This is absolutely wrong . Why he wants to intefere my life . I know what am i doing . I know ! Im matured ! im 18 now ! but why ? why he do this to me ? waqas is everything for me . EVERYTHING . If my dad cant accept him . but what can we do ? I just cannot leave him ! I dont want to lose him ! never ! Love only comes one time ! and my love is with him ! I dont why my dad cannot give me a good reason to me . Waqas is absolutely nice guy . I know him . I know him so much better than anyone else . But why ? If one day my dad just too much. I will run from this place . because he just want his daughter to be successful . you think successful can guarantee everything ? why dont he just understand me ? why he cannot understand his daughter feeling ? WHY

Like I said , no bosy cant stop me to loving Muhmmad Waqas .. Only Allah can let me forget him . When I said no body . It is including my own father . So watch out if u ask me to not meet him again . You will regret the whole your life .......

Fucker lah ! Baby spoiled every thing !! she suddenly ask waqas do u know what kaka gives you for ur birthday ? then Waqas said what ? then i said why do u want to tell ? then baby said biarlah bukan dia tahu. Baby x bgtau lagi pon . Then seddenly baby said u know ur country famous sport ............. Then waqas said cricket pakistan shirt ? then baby buat muka terkejut =.= then he laughing then asked me really u give me pakistani shirt ? then i said no la . I just keep deny it . until he said ooooooooh someone buy me a shirt lah ! then i seriously angry because baby spoiled it laa ! Now no suprise anymore fucker laaaaah ! then we fight ! ahhaha but i keep deny that i didnt buy that shirt for him but actually I DID ! FUCKER LA THIS KID !!! ALWAYS SPOIL MY LIFE !!!!

All i do is crying inside my heart . I love you . I will never leave you . I dont give a fuck to people who said that we never be together for such a long time . I will prove them are abfucksolutely wrong . Im sorry for what happened . I love you . All i need is you . But what can I do ? All I do is crying . i dont have a strong heart . I know you have it :) I will stay with you forever . This is my promise to you . I know my father didnt accept you . But i know Allah will open his heart . But I dont know when . We just wait and see :) you know what ? If im brave enough , i will run away from this situation . Go far far far away from my family . I want to go a place that no body know me .I know I cant run from this things . But what can i do ? You ask me to be patient and relax ? I know Allah will help me someday . Allah tak pernah menguji hamba nya lebih daripada kemampuan hambaNya sendiri . For now , Im just redha what is happen . I know you will help me Allah . Allah tak pernah berhenti untuk menguji hambaNya . Dan juga aku takkan pernah mengalah untuk menerima ujianNya

My heart . my stomach . my head . everything is pain . This is because of you dad ! how could u do this ?! Why dont u just accept him ? He never disturb me ! but he's the one who make my life complete .. Did u ? Never ! So what is your problem ? If my other friend chilling with me . why u didnt say anything ? you know you always make me cry ? I know you have a lot of tension but please . im begging you . Control your self . This is my life ! I know what im doing . If you have a problem with my mum . discuss with her or whatever . Dont intefere my life . PLEASE . I really dissapointed . How dare u ? I just couldnt believe that u did this twice ! First , you angry when im sitting with him . Now ? u angry because he company me ? oh fucker ! im working here also because i want money . If not ................. you are my dad . i respect you . but did u respect me ? hmmpppphh my wish !!